Mother's Day SUCKED this year. A lot. There is a particular reason for this, but I don't want to go into it at the moment. If I think about it too much, you see, it might just cause me to do something violent.

So let's talk about the funny instead!

At church, I met this older woman (over seventy, I would guess) who had come to the church for the first time. She was very sweet and personable, and I liked her very much. She also had a very unfortunate name: Ima Cummings.

Is it terrible of me to be so amused?

Comment to this entry and I'll pick three of your fandoms. You must then update your journal and answer the following questions:

01: What got you into this fandom in the first place?
02: Do you think you'll stay in this fandom or eventually move on?
03: Favorite episodes/books/movies/etc.?
04: Do you participate in this fandom (fanfiction, graphics, discussions)?
05: Do you think that more people should get into this fandom?

The three fandoms Jojo-kun tagged me for are as follows:

( Inuyasha )

( Fullmetal Alchemist )

( Zelda )

Is it just me, or did episode five of the new FMA anime look a little...strange? o_O;

Just now, Grania asked if we could go back to the petting zoo tomorrow.
I told her it was a little soon to be going back, so we should wait a while.

I didn't tell her that I'm not likely to go back for a while because I really don't want to get humped by a llama again. XD

Grania and I went with KT and her family out to the petting zoo today. It wasn't long before I found out that I am apparently quite sexy by llama standards.

I would like to take this moment to point out that an adult llama is quite a bit bigger than most dogs.

Grania and I just finished watching Muppet Treasure Island. I had forgotten just how much awesome that movie was made of. Grania enjoyed it as well - particularly the song Cabin Fever. Now she's playing like she's got cabin fever as in the movie. It's rather adorable. X3

I telephoned Mitch just now. He didn't answer, so I left him a message. I told him that I knew he was fine and that he was just avoiding me. I almost said something along the lines of, "If you want to be a cowardly slug, that's fine by me! Just don't jerk Grania around so much, you jackass!" but I restrained myself. Instead, I told him that I was worried about him, and that Grania missed him terribly. I told him that we really need to talk about things. I told him that I had no idea what I was supposed to tell Grania. Should I tell her to stop waiting for him every day at lunch? If Mitch has a shred of decency left in him, he'll at least respond to that.

Now, the only thing left to do is wait.

Just now, I talked to Tim again. I must have sounded really worried, because he fessed up. Mitch is, in fact, staying with him. Mitch is also fine. Apparently, though, Mitch had made Tim promise not to tell me anything about anything.

So, Mitch is a bastard for not returning my calls, not letting Tim tell me that he was alright and for generally making me think he was dead in a ditch. Tim is a bastard for not telling me sooner that Mitch was alive, and he's also a bastard for telling me something he promised to keep his mouth shut about.

Now that the relief that he's all right has worn off a bit, I'm pretty pissed off at Mitch. I'm not going to tell him that Tim ratted him out. No, I'm going to continue to act as though I think he might be dead. Let's see how long it takes him to let me know he's not.

I don't understand why he would do something like this. I mean, has he decided he hates me or something? How the hell did we go from FairlyHappy!Couple to Separated!Couple to IWantYouToThinkIAmDead!Couple? I mean, SERIOUSLY. I DON'T GET IT. AT ALL. *screams in frustration*






*sigh*
In other news, when I logged on to LJ this morning to make this post, all I could look at was the Tegaki!Pic I posted yesterday. Specifically, how tiny I drew the ear. (there are other problems as well, but it's that damn ear that really jumps out at me) How did I not notice that before? It's like, smaller than the eye. And now that I've noticed it, it's going to irritate me forever. And I can't even go back and fix it. And even if I did, PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY SEEN THE FAIL. *headdesk*

See, this is why I usually don't post my scribblings on the internet. >_<

It's been a full week since I last saw Mitch. I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since he showed up drunk. I've left messages on his phone, but he has yet to call me back. I called Tim, but he doesn't know what's become of Mitch either.

I'm worried.

Yeah, this is me being asocial and not even lurking on the internet. Honestly, this'll probably go on for a while. I'm not feeling so hot right now. Three guesses why.

Mitch and I still aren't really talking. I've tried really hard to open up the lines of communication, but he's having none of it. It's like he's turned to stone or something.

He has at least started showing up to visit with Grania semi-regularly. Every couple of days he'll come over on his lunch break. I don't know if this is a pattern that will continue or...
In any case, I'm glad that Grania's getting to spend some time with him.

This whole thing is really stupid. I want to make him the villain. I want to be able to hate him for just walking out like that. I really, really want to be angry with him. But guess what? I can't. Why? Because I'm a lovesick imbecile, that's why. All I can do is miss him and wish I knew how to fix things between us. I feel like such a fool.



So yeah. I may show up from time to time and comment on somebody's post, but it probably won't be a regular thing. I just figured I ought to warn you guys so that you don't wonder if I've killed myself or something, seeing as how I used to be such an active poster.

I'll be back eventually, I swear. Until then, I wish you well.

I think I've traumatized my little girl. Last night/early this morning I was watching Edward Scissorhands, (it's an awesome movie, btw. There's a good reason it's such a classic) and I thought she was asleep in the other room. Really, by all rights she should have been asleep. But she woke up and came to find me because she'd had a bad dream. Now, having my headphones on, (I was watching it on my laptop, you see) I didn't hear her come into the room. So I'm sitting there like an idiot, and the next thing I know, I hear this gawdawful shriek behind me.

Apparently, the image of Edward combined with her nightmare (which, OF COURSE, had to be about a monster with huge, sharp claws chasing her. OF COURSE.) had just been a bit too much for Grania to handle. She went through the bloody roof.

I never did get her back to sleep, and as a result, she's sleeping now. I don't see the harm in letting her have a nap, even if she'll probably have trouble going to bed tonight. After all, poor baby's tired as all get out.

I feel really terrible for letting her see something that scared her so bad, but I didn't mean to do it. I didn't hear her come into the room. It was pretty irresponsible of me, I know, but it's certainly not going to happen again. I just hope it doesn't have any lasting affect on her. You know, like reoccurring nightmares or something.




In other news, Mitch dropped by at lunch time to say "hi" to Grania. He didn't stay more than five minutes, though.
It's stupid, but I'm at once disappointed and relieved about that. I mean, part of me wishes he would have stayed for lunch, but the other part of me knows it would have been really awkward.

Once again, Mitch barely said a word to me. I wish he would just talk to me. It would make this whole mess so much easier.

Grania misses him a lot. This has got to be even harder on her than it is on me. I almost wish I could tell her what's really going on, but...I don't think it would do any good. It might just upset her more. And even if it would be the best thing to do, I just can't do it. I just can't.

I feel like I'm a terrible mother, even though logic tells me that's not true.

Ugh, when did life get so damn hard?

So, I just found this cool fandom meme floating around on the intartubez. Problem is, I don't think I'm actually involved in enough fandoms to make it work. XD

But! I realized that it would work just as well (if not better) with languages! Even though I've got only fair (phrasebook type stuff possibly up to being able to navigate a vacation, depending on the language) to limited (a few phrases, but not enough to really hold a conversation) knowledge of most of these, I think it'll work.

So!
( On to the Insanity! )

Why did I get an email asking if I want to be a webcam model? Because I've been browsing the classifieds online? It's not like I visit porn sites or anything, so...?

Why am I being so emo about this whole thing with Mitch? For the love of God, I shouldn't be crying every time I think of him! And yet, here I am, being a big, blubbering baby.

There wasn't any toothpaste on the mirror this morning. I almost never get toothpaste flecks on the mirror, but Mitch almost always does. I'm so used to cleaning them up that it's a little weird not to do so. Of course, this made me cry.

I accidentally burned the toast this morning at breakfast. Mitch always laughs when I do that and asks if I'm planning to start a charcoal business. Cue tears. Again.

He left a couple of shirts and jeans in the hamper. I ran across them when I was getting the laundry together. Once again, I found myself crying.

I wear a claddagh ring on my left ring finger. I still can't bring myself to take it off, even though I might ought to do so. And every time I catch sight of it, guess what? Yep. I have to fight tears. You'd be amazed how often you look at your hands without realizing it, btw.

And now, Grania just showed me a picture she's been drawing since lunch time. Guess what it is? Mommy and Daddy and her having a picnic on the moor. I tried so hard not to let her see me cry, but I just couldn't help it. I know my crying upset her. And when I tried to explain why I was crying, she said that I shouldn't worry. Because Daddy's going to come home very soon. And when he does, we'll all go back to Newfoundland and have a picnic on the moor, just like in her picture.
Heaven help me, I cried even harder when she said that. Because she's serious. She has no idea what's really going on, and I don't have the heart to try to explain it to her. And why do I feel so damned guilty for not being able to tell her?!



I wish I could just hate him or something.

I've only been at it a couple of days, of course, but so far it doesn't seem like anybody's hiring. Or rather, nobody's hiring for work I can do. I'm not an accountant, unfortunately. >_<

On the other side of things, Mitch showed up yesterday. He didn't stay long. He just talked to Grania for a couple of minutes and grabbed a couple of things he apparently forgot. Of course, Grania asked him The Question. That is, "When are you coming home, Daddy?" And what does he do then? He looks up at me, as if I'm going to answer that one. I've been avoiding that one since he left. So I kept my mouth shut. Eventually, he said that he wasn't sure. He said that "a lot of things are going on right now" but that he'll "try to get it straightened out" ASAP. I don't see how he can do that if he's unwilling to even talk to me, (he barely said one word to me when he came back, even though I tried to get a hold of him and talk about the situation) but I guess we'll find out.

All in all, he's being more of an ass than I ever thought he would be.

And you know what the really sick part is? If he came back this afternoon and acted like nothing had happened, I'd go along with it. I'd take him back in an instant if only he'd come back. And not just because I'm worried about supporting myself and Grania, but because I miss the bastard. I'm in love with him for some stupid reason, it seems.

I'm sure I'll get over him soon. In the meantime, though, missing him like this really, really sucks.




Okay, enough emo whining. I'm going to go make some sugar cookies with Grania. :)

So yesterday I went over to my cousin's house and told her what's happened. I cried for a little while, and she lectured me for a little while, and then we talked about what we're going to do. Looks like I'm going to be living with her again soon.

KT and I don't really get along all that well. We don't usually see eye to eye. We're both sarcastic and vindictive, but neither of us are the type to start an outright fight. We just glare at the other one's back or make remarks that, while there's nothing outright offensive about then, insinuate a lot. When things finally do boil over, one of us almost always ends up crying. Nine times out of ten, it's me.

She treats me like a rebellious child. She constantly tries to force religion down my throat. She can always manage to find fault with me, and she's always vocal about it.

But you know, she's always there when I need her. When it counts, I know that KT will back me up. She did give me one hell of a lecture today, but she also cried with me. And when I started talking about how I didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to manage, she acted like it wasn't even and issue. Of course, I'll stay with her until I get on my feet. Once I've got a job and a place in my name, she'll keep Grania days while I work. Forget daycare or babysitters. Forget having to send her off to school when she's old enough. Why would I even consider it? Of course I'm still going to homeschool her. KT'll make sure Grania does her bookwork (after all, it won't be any more trouble than making sure her own children do their bookwork) and then I can grade it at nights.

It's kind of amazing that she's still willing to put up with me. It's not like she acted like she had to take me in because we're family or something. She didn't seem put-upon at all. And, this being KT, if she were feeling put-upon I would know about it. It just seemed like common sense to her.

I rather wish I wasn't such a mess. I wish I could show her that I can take care of myself. That I really am an adult. But whenever I'm around her, I always feel like such a child. And it's not just because she treats me like one. It's also because, compared to her, I really am a child. There's not a huge difference in our ages, but there's a lifetime of difference in our maturity and experience. When I'm confronted with a problem, I panic. When the rug gets yanked out from under me, I don't have a clue how to go about standing back up. I've always just sat there and panicked until someone came along and gave me a hand up. Until somebody (usually KT or Mitch) reminded me that it was possible to keep walking even without the rug being under my feet.
When KT gets the rug yanked out from under her, she just stands back up. She doesn't think "Oh, what am I going to do?!" She just stands up, dusts herself off and keeps going. I've seen her do it.

It's kind of stupid, really. I think that a lot of her beliefs are completely backwards. I think half the things she does are absurd. And yet, if I had to pick a role model - hell, if I had to tell you who my role model has been for most of my life - her name would be at the top of the list. It's stupid, isn't it?




I'm sure that Grania and I will be fine, even if we never see Mitch again. I'll make it work. I've got KT to help me and Grania depending on me. Somehow, I'm going to make this work. I'm going to give my daughter the good life that I always intended for her, and I'm going to prove to KT that I can manage my own affairs. I will make this work.

Mitch and I had the fight from hell the night before last. We argued about just about everything. In the end, I told him there was no way I was going to give up custody of my baby. No way. And there's not a thing he can do to make me. He retaliated with some nonsense about me only wanting to keep him trapped with me by using Grania. So I told him that if he felt trapped, if he was only staying out of some sense of duty to Grania or to me, and not because he loves his family, then he should get the hell out.

For a second after I said that, I thought he was going to hit me. Luckily, he managed to calm himself down. He didn't say a word. He just grabbed a bag and started packing. I don't know what got into me. I didn't try to stop him. I didn't try to be reasonable. I just stood there. I just stood there and watched as he tossed the essentials into a bag and walked out the door. Neither one of us said a word.



None of this really registered until this morning. I didn't change a thing in my routine yesterday. I fully expected for him to walk in the door at dinner time and tell me about how his day went. I was stupidly surprised when he didn't.

I don't think he's coming back. I can't wrap my brain around that thought very well, but I think it's true. I think he's really left me. Like, for good.

I can't wrap my brain around that idea. I just can't.

What the hell am I going to do?

How am I going to support myself?

How am I going to support my daughter?

I've never been anything but a housewife. I have no marketable skills, no education, no experience. I didn't even graduate high-school. What the hell am I going to do?

I'm going to have to do something, but I have no idea what. I don't want to rely on the charity of my family, but that may be my only option. At least until I can get a job and whatnot. The rent is paid until the end of next month, but that's still not a lot of time. And everything, everything, is in Mitch's name.

God in Heaven, what am I going to do???

First, it was my damned cousin. "Oh, I suppose we could keep Grania for you until you're feeling better. She really shouldn't see her mother in such a state, you know. A child's psyche is very fragile."
Of course, this is KT we're talking about, so it wasn't like I was surprised. Goddamned snake that she is, it's not the least bit strange she'd want to get my baby from me. Probably not so much out of concern for me but a desire to "raise her right" - make one more of those brainwashed religious idiots polluting this world.

Then is was my damned mother. "Maybe Grania could stay with me for a while, baby. You know, just until you're feeling a little better."
Oh, and she did such a splendid job with me that of course I'd want her to "babysit" my daughter for five years or so. You know, just until I can get a kidney transplant.

Now, it's motherfucking Mitch. "Maybe we should take a break from this." What he means, of course, is that we should split up. Oh, and did I mention that he wants Grania to come with him? Full time?

What the everloving fuck is WRONG with these people?! I am perfectly capable of taking care of my daughter, thank you very much. I am not a fucking bedridden invalid, as these imbeciles seem to think. There is no reason, no reason that I can't take care of her now.

Okay, I'll admit: I'm not the perfect mother. Not by a long shot. But my baby is healthy, she's happy and I'm doing the best that I know how. Nothing there has changed since I got sick. Nothing.

I have a right to keep her, don't I? I'm her mother. I gave birth to her. I've taken care of her all of her life. Now, that doesn't seem to matter at all. I'm sick. Obviously, I can't take care of her anymore. Obviously, because I'm sick, she's neglected. Reality be damned, everyone knows that a woman with kidney failure can't take care of a child. Never mind anything else. I'm sick. So I shouldn't be allowed to keep my daughter any more.

I am so fucking glad that Mitch and I were never properly married. There's not a goddamned thing he can do to get her. Nor the rest of them. Call in the law for all I care! They'll see that there isn't a bloody thing wrong with how I've been treating her, unless it's that I've let these vultures get their sights on her.

She's my baby. I'm not going to let anyone take her from me. I'll kill them if they try. I'll fucking kill them. I will NOT - not under any circumstances - lose my baby. I will not.

I hate living in an apartment complex. I detest it, as a matter of fact. My downstairs neighbor is constantly launching noise complaints about my family. It's absurd. My family is very quiet and considerate of our neighbors.

Mr. Downstairs Douchebag, on the other hand...

It's Friday night. You know what that means! Drunken karaoke night with the volume kicked up to the MAX! =D

Right now, they're brutally raping "Tears of a Clown". I don't even like that song under normal circumstances. I like it much less when it's being "sung" by my drunken imbecile of a neighbor and his drunken imbecile friends.

SERIOUSLY, THEY'RE BEING SO LOUD THAT WE CAN'T HEAR OUR TELEVISION. AND OUR LANDLORD DOESN'T CARE.

Mitch is just about ready to march downstairs and tell them that if they don't cut it out, we're going to call the cops. Of course, we probably won't call the cops even if they don't stop, but...